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It was kind of weird in that it felt like it should have been a horribly depressing nightmare after I woke up, but it wasn't... (more on that in a bit). The dream is fairly short-ish (at least what I remember of it), but not like my normal dreams in that it had a clearly marked beginning and ending.
The beginning of the dream was that I was getting out of my dad's car (except in the dream, while still a Saturn, the car was kind of turquoise in color, similar to my oldest sister's current car, which is probably where that comes from) and was heading off to baseball practice. Which is weird because IRL I have never played baseball (or any other sport) in any sort of capacity that it would require attending a practice. And that was the beginning.
The actual "baseball practice" was anything but, though this part of the dream is really muddy and I don't remember much of it at all. What I remember of it was that I went into some place that I thought of as "school" but which actually more resembled a K-Mart or Wal-mart or whatever. The only thing that I really clearly remember is that there was a guy there that I went to school with, and he said he was getting a Wii. I'm dimly aware that other things happened, but I don't remember any of it.
The end of the dream came when I left the "school"/Wal-mart and started walking back toward my dad's car. Here is where things get somewhat disturbing-in-retrospect. As I was walking toward the car, I noticed that the sky in the direction I was walking was rather dark, as though a storm were quickly approaching, though behind me the sun was still shining brightly.* As I neared the car, I clearly saw my dad sitting in the driver's seat. He was wearing one of his trademark caps and was wearing one of his hoodie pullovers. As I got into the car, I said something like "Wow, this is weird. You shouldn't be here, but you obviously are. We should go tell everyone." And then, as the car drove away, the POV switched from me to a point where I had been standing before I got in the car. The "camera" watched as the car drove down a hill and toward the oncoming dark sky. And that's when I woke up.
The "baseball practice" thing I chalk up to recent chatter on my Facebook wall about a baseball tournament that was held in my dad's honor. The guy-getting-a-Wii thing I chalk up to also recent chatter from Jessica about getting a Wii (though it's a bit strange then that it wasn't her in the dream but someone else).
Okay. You don't have to be some super-smart professional dream analyzer to see there's something going on here. Now for some amateur psychological analysis of the dream.
Here's how I feel right now at the moment and right after I woke up. I thought it was a pretty cool dream. Simultaneously, I feel like it should have been a nightmare, even though it wasn't. The only thing that made me feel bad, immediately after I woke up, was that so much of the dream was spent on the miscellaneous "baseball practice" crap (of which I remember very little now, except that it had nothing to do with baseball), and only such a relatively small part of it dealt with Pa (which I do remember). Also, it feels wrong that I feel this way about the dream, in that I don't consider it to have been a nightmare.
But that part that I do remember is indicative of how I feel about my father's recent death, and as I said you don't have to be a genius to get it: it still hasn't really "hit me" yet, I don't think. It feels like I'm standing on a train track, and I know a train is coming and will splatter me into ludicrous gibs at some point, but it hasn't arrived yet. And while that's an overly suicide-y metaphor (even though I don't feel that way at all), that's the best I can describe it: "still waiting for a train to hit."
While I haven't been all completely emotionless about it (I cried until my nose was completely stopped up the night I first heard the news), at the same time I don't feel like I've been reacting "properly." Look, I know, people react to grief in different ways. I've read some things on the Internet from other people who've said they felt similarly blank about the passing of loved ones, and others in response said things like "There's no wrong way to grieve" or "You'll deal with it in your own way, in time" and things like that. I get that. I do. But, yet, that doesn't stop it from still feeling kind of wrong and unnatural, somehow.
I have a picture of my dad with me and my mom that is sitting above the fireplace, so I see it every time I walk by it. I also have the leaflet from the memorial service propped up on the chair next to my computer. Every time I look at them, if I kind of concentrate on the whole situation for a bit, I kind of feel a sort of vague "OH SHIT!!!" sensation building up, but then I retreat from that. I just go back to whatever video game or website or book or whatever that I was messing with and try to forget about it, and usually succeed at doing so. And, again, it feels wrong to me. But not sure what else to do. I don't want to be all weepy all the time, but at the same time, again, it feels wrong that I'm not and haven't been all that weepy, you know?
Still waiting for the train to hit, I guess. :(
Okay, enough armchair psychologist mumbo-jumo for now.
* - To put this into something resembling perspective, I actually prefer cool cloudy/rainy/stormy weather, and I don't like bright, sunny hot weather as much. So, yeah, that's probably backwards from how most people feel about such things.
The beginning of the dream was that I was getting out of my dad's car (except in the dream, while still a Saturn, the car was kind of turquoise in color, similar to my oldest sister's current car, which is probably where that comes from) and was heading off to baseball practice. Which is weird because IRL I have never played baseball (or any other sport) in any sort of capacity that it would require attending a practice. And that was the beginning.
The actual "baseball practice" was anything but, though this part of the dream is really muddy and I don't remember much of it at all. What I remember of it was that I went into some place that I thought of as "school" but which actually more resembled a K-Mart or Wal-mart or whatever. The only thing that I really clearly remember is that there was a guy there that I went to school with, and he said he was getting a Wii. I'm dimly aware that other things happened, but I don't remember any of it.
The end of the dream came when I left the "school"/Wal-mart and started walking back toward my dad's car. Here is where things get somewhat disturbing-in-retrospect. As I was walking toward the car, I noticed that the sky in the direction I was walking was rather dark, as though a storm were quickly approaching, though behind me the sun was still shining brightly.* As I neared the car, I clearly saw my dad sitting in the driver's seat. He was wearing one of his trademark caps and was wearing one of his hoodie pullovers. As I got into the car, I said something like "Wow, this is weird. You shouldn't be here, but you obviously are. We should go tell everyone." And then, as the car drove away, the POV switched from me to a point where I had been standing before I got in the car. The "camera" watched as the car drove down a hill and toward the oncoming dark sky. And that's when I woke up.
The "baseball practice" thing I chalk up to recent chatter on my Facebook wall about a baseball tournament that was held in my dad's honor. The guy-getting-a-Wii thing I chalk up to also recent chatter from Jessica about getting a Wii (though it's a bit strange then that it wasn't her in the dream but someone else).
Okay. You don't have to be some super-smart professional dream analyzer to see there's something going on here. Now for some amateur psychological analysis of the dream.
Here's how I feel right now at the moment and right after I woke up. I thought it was a pretty cool dream. Simultaneously, I feel like it should have been a nightmare, even though it wasn't. The only thing that made me feel bad, immediately after I woke up, was that so much of the dream was spent on the miscellaneous "baseball practice" crap (of which I remember very little now, except that it had nothing to do with baseball), and only such a relatively small part of it dealt with Pa (which I do remember). Also, it feels wrong that I feel this way about the dream, in that I don't consider it to have been a nightmare.
But that part that I do remember is indicative of how I feel about my father's recent death, and as I said you don't have to be a genius to get it: it still hasn't really "hit me" yet, I don't think. It feels like I'm standing on a train track, and I know a train is coming and will splatter me into ludicrous gibs at some point, but it hasn't arrived yet. And while that's an overly suicide-y metaphor (even though I don't feel that way at all), that's the best I can describe it: "still waiting for a train to hit."
While I haven't been all completely emotionless about it (I cried until my nose was completely stopped up the night I first heard the news), at the same time I don't feel like I've been reacting "properly." Look, I know, people react to grief in different ways. I've read some things on the Internet from other people who've said they felt similarly blank about the passing of loved ones, and others in response said things like "There's no wrong way to grieve" or "You'll deal with it in your own way, in time" and things like that. I get that. I do. But, yet, that doesn't stop it from still feeling kind of wrong and unnatural, somehow.
I have a picture of my dad with me and my mom that is sitting above the fireplace, so I see it every time I walk by it. I also have the leaflet from the memorial service propped up on the chair next to my computer. Every time I look at them, if I kind of concentrate on the whole situation for a bit, I kind of feel a sort of vague "OH SHIT!!!" sensation building up, but then I retreat from that. I just go back to whatever video game or website or book or whatever that I was messing with and try to forget about it, and usually succeed at doing so. And, again, it feels wrong to me. But not sure what else to do. I don't want to be all weepy all the time, but at the same time, again, it feels wrong that I'm not and haven't been all that weepy, you know?
Still waiting for the train to hit, I guess. :(
Okay, enough armchair psychologist mumbo-jumo for now.
* - To put this into something resembling perspective, I actually prefer cool cloudy/rainy/stormy weather, and I don't like bright, sunny hot weather as much. So, yeah, that's probably backwards from how most people feel about such things.
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Fantasy psychology
Date: 2011-09-16 01:04 am (UTC)From:Any-hoo, my crack team of computer-simulated shrinks and behaviorists say that everyone grieves differently and there is no wrong way. And you know that. And I know you know that. And now you know I know you know. I know. And that's perfectly fine... you know?
I have nothing new to add except to pose three questions:
[1] If you and he drove off to the sort of weather that you prefer, perhaps you feel that - cliche as it may sound - he is "in a better place" now?
[2] In the dream, how did seeing him and subsequently driving off with him make you feel?
[3] In the end, the decision is yours, but if you feel it hasn't "hit" you yet, would you consider pursuing the "OH SHIT" to wherever it ends up leading you? Perhaps it will bring on "the hit." (...that you've been looking for?)
I dunno. Do with that what you will. Meanwhile, I'm gonna see if I can arrange a trade.
Re: Fantasy psychology
Date: 2011-09-16 02:35 am (UTC)From:[2] Well, the beginning of the dream didn't seem unusual at all. It just seemed like normal everyday business. With the ending of the dream came a sudden feeling of "Wait, WTF? I thought you were gone! This is crazy! We should go tell everyone!" kind of excitement. And then I woke up. Which is why I felt like having a dream like that should have made me feel horrible, and is why I also think it's kind of weird that it didn't. But, overall, it was simply just nice to see him again, even if it was just for a few moments in a dream and wasn't actually real and all.
[3] As for the OH SHIT moment... I have indeed considered pursing it all the way and is, in fact, why I do it, i.e. just stare at the pictures from time to time. But I always chicken out, in the end. Well... my sister made a DVD which contains a movie that is a slideshow collection of a bunch of pictures of him through his childhood up to when he got sick (but before he became bedridden). A copy is being sent my way and should get here eventually, and I'm kind of... saving it for that, I guess. When it gets here I will watch it, and then, since I'll be by myself at the time, what will be, will be.
* - Not sure of the appropriateness of linking to TVTropes at a time like this, but, well, it does a pretty good job of explaining it in a nutshell, I guess. The way I see it, the concept of utter oblivion after death doesn't bother me all that much. After all, if the eternity of non-existence that came before I was born** didn't bother me, I don't see why it should bother me after I die either.
** - Assuming one doesn't believe in past lives or reincarnation or whatever, which I don't think I do.***
*** - Eh... all of this is getting a bit to metaphysical for my mood right now, so I think I'll just end it here.
Re: Fantasy psychology
Date: 2011-09-16 02:38 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2011-09-17 03:45 am (UTC)From:In my dream, I remember walking outside of my house and seeing Pa standing beside the garden leaning against the old red Saturn he used to have. Much like your dream, he had the cap and the hoodie pullover. He had one his sticks with him as well. I remember seeing him staring at the garden, but at the same time staring off into the distance, as if he had the thousand-yard stare. I was going to walk up and talk to him but as I approached Pa both him and the Saturn vanished into thin air. I also remember the leaves of the trees being orange like it was autumn and the sun was getting ready to set
no subject
Date: 2011-09-17 06:22 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2011-09-17 06:50 am (UTC)From: