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"The guys remember the dumb stuff that hit television screens at either late hours or when nobody was paying attention."
Inject thick sauces! Perfect for all meats!
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"Hey, cutie pie, give us a kiss!"
That monster's gonna give me nightmares.
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Stephan, you're not bald. You're balding. There is a difference. Not that there's anything wrong with that, either.
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So the Slap Chop guy (also known as the ShamWow guy) apparently briefly went to jail in 2009 after he got into a fight with a prostitute when she bit his tongue. These days, he apparently is a transphobic, anti-woke fuckstick who is running for a Texas seat on the US House of Representatives. So that tracks.
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Ah, yes, the best colors. Black, pink, and zebra.
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"Ingenious."
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I have no idea who the voice of Washington was in that talking silver dollar, but yeah, it sounds weirdly familiar to me, too.
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Yeti will show you!
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Still better than just straight injecting botulinum neurotoxin into your face, I guess?
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That just seems like it would make a kid less likely to want to eat their fruits and veggies. "But mom, I spent a whole ten minutes making this work of art, and you want me to destroy it?!"
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Weird. I think I'd heard of GoJo before, but I don't think I'd ever actually seen or knew what it was. Meh.
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I was thinking "Not as good as the Slap Chop" about two seconds before Lani said "Not as good as the Slap Chop."
Also, Lani, it wasn't drugs.
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Tiddy Bear. And they made sure to audibly spell it out in the commercial, for any FCC regulators who may not have been looking at the TV at the time. Enough said.
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"Dump Dinners" is... a rather unfortunate brand name. (Kind of surprised/disappointed Lani didn't yell out "I'M GONNA DUMP!" during this one.
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Yeah... actually evil. It kind of bummed me out the same way it did Lani, honestly.
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I like bacon, but not that much. And... yeah, just use an upside-down muffin tin.
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I had a calculator watch sort of like that one when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it didn't cost fucking $20, either. And I'm pretty sure I did get it in a store.
In the entire time I had it, I used it for actually calculating something... once? Maybe twice? I haven't worn any kind of watch since at least the turn of the century, if not earlier.
Also, the very start of that commercial reminded me of the start of the Voltron theme.
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The only thing that might be useful for is preventing a hot dog from exploding in the microwave, but I've got butter knives that fill the same purpose, so... pass, especially given how rarely I eat hotdogs anymore.
But if you want to make little stick figure dudes out of hotdogs... well, there you go, I guess.
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What the actual, legitimate fuck. No. Just everything about that. No.
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Well... that's a way to make sure you have repeat buyers if people really like that kind of shit, I guess?
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Huh? What's this? Oh, some religious bullshit? Hard fucking pass. Yeah, drop that shit into the Actually Evil category.
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"You love ramen noodles!"
"Uh, no. No, I don't."
Why do all these types of commercial start with "Everybody/You love(s) <type of food here>!"
Also, Lani, they're plastic bowls.
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This might be mean to say, but that woman is kind of like the "We have Julia Child at home" version of Julia Child.
If Julia Child made chocolate desserts, tacos, sliders, and pizza out of ramen noodles.
(Two different ramen noodle-related products in a row, by the way. Weird.)
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Last one... eh... it's innocuous. Zoobooks. Oddly never heard of it, though it apparently started the year after I was born. I did hear of and even had a subscription to Ranger Rick for a few years as a kid, though, but it mostly just coincided with the time I was in the Cub Scouts. That mostly ended when I moved up to Boy Scouts, went the four or five meetings, and all they ever did was play touch football in the front yard of whatever building was being used as the meeting place. So that was the end of my association with what is now apparently called Scouting America.
And that's it. For now, at least. Apparently, there may be another like this in the future.
